First of all I’m not entirely sure I can call this a MAFS review. If making a list of people from the program that I loved, and hated so much that I’d gladly take them into the garden to be shot, then yes, it’s a review.
Husband and I discovered Married At First Sight Australia or MAFS Australia as it’s widely known, last year during the first lock down and despite hating reality TV with a passion we were both instantly hooked. For those who have never seen it, it is basically a group of arranged marriages that have been put together by a panel of experts and where the bride and groom meet each other for the first time on their wedding day. Most of them have larger than life personalities and some are just plain horrors which means loads of fighting , disagreements and usually there’s a random one that behaves terribly and tries to jump into the sack with anything that moves so long as it’s not their own husband or wife.
Let’s take a look at the couples:
Jules and Cam
A hairdresser and a professional cricket player who were very much in love from the beginning. Lots of gazing into each other’s eyes, face stroking and kissing. Nice but a bit boring and sickly.
OUTCOME: At the final ceremony Cam proposed to Jules (bit weird considering the title of the show, but still…)
Nic and Cyrell
Nick was a lovely bloke with values and morals and the sort you hope you’ll get as a son in law. Also fairly easy on the eye which always helps. Cyrell, also known on MAFS as ‘Cyclone Cyrell’ due to when she lost her temper and any amount of reason she once possessed was a straight talking, no nonsense crazy bitch who you should avoid getting on the wrong side of at all costs. One of life’s truth tellers, she never minced her words and was not phased in any way by confrontation, in fact she quite enjoyed a spot of bare knuckle fighting. She had a really dirty laugh and I know should we accidentally meet down at the post office or corner shop we would be instant best friends.
OUTCOME: Unfortunately they decided not to continue together and left the show before the end.
Mike and Heidi
At first you would be forgiven for thinking that Mike was a pompous old windbag that spent his days striding around in little else than a pair of extremely tight pants while simultaneously getting involved in everyone’s business and offering advice that would turn Dr Hilary a dark shade of green. Heidi, who he was matched with, was in my opinion brilliant. I liked this one. With her enormous hair that rivalled a lion’s mane and her positive, spiritual outlook on life she was everything he could have asked for.
OUTCOME: It was definitely lust at first sight for these two and getting frisky seemed to be their favourite thing, it’s just a crying shame they couldn’t make it work outside of the MAFS experiment, having made it through to the final ceremony and managing to tell each other for the first time that they loved each other.
Michael and Martha
He was a good natured, placid primary school PE teacher and she was some high flying, high maintenance ,hard faced Greek Goddess that would freeze your face off with one look if you dared to catch her eye. I feel like I should also mention that she was a manipulative gossiping little Hitler, just for reference. They got along well throughout MAFS so long as she was in charge and he did what he was told.
OUTCOME: These two also reached the final ceremony where he announced he was prepared to give up his whole life, job, house and family to move to the other side of Australia to be with her. Now that’s what I call dedication, especially since she gave up nothing.
Mark and Ning
These two began their journey on very dodgy ground. Mark was the oldest 42 year old I had ever seen but was actually a lovely man if not a bit of a commitment phobe. Ning had been hurt badly in previous relationships which made it difficult for her to show her feelings and I think played a huge part in her bad behaviour on the actual wedding day. Despite this they blossomed together and became one of my favourite MAFS couples until the final commitment ceremony when Mark dumped her.
Elizabeth and Sam
These two never got along from day dot. Madly over the top with everything, from her Jessica Rabbit makeup and very very long cheap hair extensions to her larger than life personality, a lot of which stemmed from low self esteem in my opinion, he couldn’t stand her. He called her fat on their wedding day and continued to show this level of chivalry throughout their very short lived relationship. Always claiming to be a respectful gentleman, yet at every opportunity he couldn’t wait to slag her off to the cameras and have an affair with Ines, another man’s wife.
OUTCOME: They eventually left the MAFS experiment before the end but not before Sam, who I’ve just realised was very much like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, sneaked around behind everyone’s back planning a future with Ines.
Ines and Bronson
Doomed from the start, the callous, cold-hearted woman that was Ines told her husband the first time she met him that he needed to take out his eyebrow ring because it was dated and shit. She then went on over the weeks to systematically throw tantrums and be the absolutely horrid. Giving no due care for anyone’s feelings except her own she lied to Bronson’s face about her commitment to their relationship while sleeping with Gaston, I mean Sam. Bronson the stripper (a career choice made following a recommendation from his late mum… a fairly odd path to be championed by your own mother) was a true gent the whole way through despite getting crapped on from a great height.
OUTCOME: It all came out in the wash as these things always do. I spent most of this MAFS episode with a cushion over my face screaming my head off at the TV.
Melissa and Dino
A crazy girl that overslept and nearly missed her own wedding, having to check halfway to the venue that she had actually packed her wedding dress, was matched with a spiritual guru who was cool calm and collected at all times and could only see the good in everything, probably even serial killers.
OUTCOME: They left before the final ceremony following a massive bust up in which the spirit master had actually been a tiny bit sneaky and underhandedly recorded a private telephone conversation between Mel and her sister. On discovering this, she screamed and cried until she nearly turned blue and passed out.
Lauren and Matthew the the Virgin
Not his full title, but the way he was referred to the whole way through MAFS until he wasn’t a virgin anymore. Lauren had tricked us all into thinking that she was a bit of a girl next door type until she shocked the cockles off poor old Matthew the virgin by dropping the bombshell about her love of swinging and threesomes.
OUTCOME: The first couple to leave shortly after the admittance of Lauren’s revelations.
Jess and Mick
Cut from the same cloth as Ines, Jess was only out for herself and didn’t even flinch when lying and cheating on Mick. As the series progressed I began to hate her more and more and couldn’t believe her ability to calmly lie so blatantly and even have the audacity to deny something had happened even when it had been caught on camera and played back for all to see! Jess definitely peaked when she engineered the running off with basically anyone who would look in her direction, making a play for 2 of the other husbands. Always thick as thieves with the Greek Hitler she would saunter around the weekly dinner parties like she owned them. Mick reminded me of someone who might well be Crocodile Dundee’s best mate and I loved him, especially some of his sayings. ‘’Dry as a dead dingo’s donger!’’
This season the MAFS creators mixed it up by adding 2 new couples nearly half way through the experiment.
Susie and Billy
Susie’s brisk manor and condescending tone she used with Billy did not win me over from the start. As the episodes passed it was easy to see that this one was another one worthy of the title ‘horror’. She even gravitated towards the other girls I couldn’t bare, confirming to me that they were all of a similar character. In terms we all understand, I found Susie, Jess, Ines and Martha to be ‘bags’. She made Billy so nervous that he never stood a chance at being her equal and was treated more like a naughty pet.
OUTCOME: They never lasted very long at all before they both left , shock horror.
Tamara and Dan
Tamara was a bit of a fussy crutch but with genuine intentions and was desperate to find love. Dan, a single dad who again much like Sam claimed to be a respectful gentleman but actually never gave his marriage a chance and couldn’t wait to sneak off with Jess who had basically offered herself to him on a plate at a dinner party in front of everyone. Cringe worthy. Brilliant.
OUTCOME: It will probably come as no shock to learn that Tam and Dan’s marriage didn’t last the distance because he actually ran off with Jess. It will probably be even less of a shock to learn that on the very last MAFS reunion episode when they all meet back up and speak to the experts about the progress of their relationships, that footage was shown of Jess chatting up Nic (cyclone Cyrell’s husband) approximately 2.5 seconds before hitting on Dan because Nic had blown her out. I’m not sure she went home with Dan after that small surprise.
I’m also not sure I have the strength to watch another series of MAFS. As much as I am totally immersed in it when its on because it’s brilliant and gut wrenching and cringey and funny, it’s very emotionally draining and honestly one of these days when I’m ranting and shouting at the ridiculousness of this program I’m either going to have a stroke or give Husband one.
So in conclusion, MAFS is ace and you should definitely watch it but it really gets you going so maybe you should refrain unless you want to chance death by emotional drainage or stroke.