Have you ever just wanted to be in someone else’s head to know what they think and how they feel? I’ve always felt like this with my kids for different reasons but recently I’ve been wanting just to get out of my head. So I’m going to try to explain what goes on in my head when I have a down time.
This is going to be difficult as sometimes I don’t even understand what is going on up in there. Since having Roy I’ve felt my mental health has actually been rather good. Completely different to when I had Zach. I have found I’m enjoying just holding him and just taking things as they come rather than worrying. But as of recent I think I’ve had what I call a down time.
I’m going to break it down.
Firstly… I know it comes from me worrying and feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I am not enough. I feel Anabelle needs more than I can give her sometimes and that I don’t have as much time for her. I know this is nothing I can help and at the end of the day she’s happy and loved and she does get pretty much most of my attention most of the time.
I feel guilty towards Zach. Is the reason he’s behind with his speech and his development my fault. Did me being depressed affect him? I didn’t talk to him like I talk to Roy maybe that’s why he has been delayed? Then I worry am I doing enough with Roy?
Then poor Matt. He has to deal with the backlash to my head and my thoughts and most of the time he doesn’t even realise it. I can just switch and end up arguing with him over the stupidest of things. And he doesn’t know that I’ve spent the day with all these thoughts in my head going round and round and spiralling. And it’s not like I talk about them because I don’t want to. I don’t want to give my irrational mind the time of day.
I then feel bad for arguing. And I shut off. Now all these thoughts and feelings are overwhelming in my head and it’s like I cant get away from them. I don’t want to say them out loud but I want to say so much. I get upset. I don’t know if I’m upset about the disagreement or whether I’m upset at how I now feel which in fact has nothing to do with Matt it’s to do with everything going through my head.
I just want to run away. I don’t knowing I physically want to run away and shut off or if I just want to sit alone in silence and just do nothing. I never do either of these I usually just end up crying. And deep down I don’t want to run away but for a moment I just want out. I want out of head.
This all leads to anxiety. The next day usually I’m highly anxious and I don’t want to do anything. I’m tired, I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to do nothing see no one and not speak. Obviously being a mum you cant do this so I just have to push through it and crack on. Sometimes this helps as I just have to forget it other times it’s more like its pushed aside for a moment and it’s going to come back and hit me twice as hard another time.
Now I don’t even know if any of that makes sense and that’s probably not even half of it. But maybe it might help people to understand a tiny bit what it can be like at times with depression and anxiety. Don’t get me wrong I think I’m 1000 times better than I was but sometimes I get tricked into thinking that’s it I’m cured and them bam it hits me again. There is always a trigger and quite often I have no idea what that trigger was. But I wanted to share this as it’s been playing on my mind as to what actually us going on in my head to possibly tackle it head on (pun unintentional).