I have had an uncomfortable relationship with myself and my body for a long time, in fact as far back as I can remember I have felt this way.
From being 4 or 5 years old I remember feeling big, I remember one of my first school memories being that of someone commenting on my body. And that has stayed with me throughout my life. Over the years people have commented on my body, commented even without me asking them too.
As my teenage years took over, I tried everything to fit in with what others deemed acceptable, whether that starve myself or make myself sick; both of which would then lead inevitably to failing miserably and overeating.
What’s funny is I look back at pictures of this time in my life and if I could reach into the photograph and shout at this girl I would, I would tell her to stop listening to other people and live your life for you. Because I know if I had kicked this habit earlier on in life maybe I wouldn’t still be feeling this way now.
Yet here I am, in my early thirties still listening to the opinions of others, looking at social media and comparing myself to anyone and everyone. And its not just me, I know it affects lots of people in the same way, social media is leaving a lot of us unsatisfied and uncomfortable with the body that we are in.
Unfortunately, this is the world we are now living in. We compare ourselves to others and strive to be perfect not even for our own benefit but for others. I change who I am to suit those around me, I strive to change the way I look because I don’t feel good enough for someone. I blame the fact I am still single on not being pretty enough, thin enough etc.
And I know what you’re thinking, because I think it too. I need to wake up and realise that the right person will love me for me, not for who I am striving to be, yet I can’t seem to get myself into this mindset.
Because the truth is, right now I don’t feel good enough.
I believe no one will love me for me.
Behind the makeup, behind the Instagram pictures I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror, I see a distorted image of who I am because ultimately over time I have listened too much to other peoples views and opinions of me.
Do I think I have body dysmorphia? Maybe, I don’t know. I think more than likely I am just too critical about myself, too critical about things that no one else even notices.
What I do know is this is something I need to face head on and deal with once and for all, as I have wasted too much of my life worrying that I am not perfect, when really, I know that no one is.