We are going to talk poop. (And before anyone pipes up with the classic ‘nothing new there’ it’s actually serious.)
So, since picking up a particularly nasty bout of food poisoning last year in Vietnam my bowels have not been ‘Normal’. Tummy swells and hurts as soon as I eat anything and let’s just say the evacuation process is VERY hit and miss. Up to 12 times a day, nothing for a week, followed by the most painful poop known to man quickly followed by horrendous waterfalls. Apologies if TMI but I’m trying to keep it as pleasant as possible for you.
So, having been back and forward to the Dr for almost a year, submitting samples of varying kinds and coming up with no answers, I have finally got an appointment for a CT Colonoscopy. (Because it was shorter list than a regular colonoscopy! )
Unbeknown to me there is a 2 day prep period for this and guess what, it involves a lot of time perched on the Throne.
Day one was yesterday. It consisted of a limited diet with an option of white toast and honey (no white toast in our house so just had the honey. That was nice) or hard boiled eggs, but, I’m allergic to eggs so that wasn’t particularly helpful ! Thankfully you are allowed bovril, tea coffee fizzy drinks squash and clear soups. I opted for bovril tea water and a cheeky can of diet coke. Go me.
Add a particularly intense physio session into the mix of no food and it’s fair to say I felt a tad wiped out. At 4PM I was required to take the first solution, as part of the prep. This didnt taste too bad although I did dilute it with lime squash, the double concentrate variety. It is a contrast x ray dye to help the scanner see my insides better. I have no idea what it was supposed to do to my poor tummy, but it made it swell, sore and VERY grumbly. Oh just delightful! A few dashes to the loo, (not easy given my mobility issues) and there was some relief. Yay. However I was too frightened to sleep just incase I didn’t wake up for the loo and the fear of waking up in a pool of my own poop was just too great.
Alarm set for 745am this morning to commence phase two of operation colon clear. This consisted of a rather pleasant tasting solution called Picolax. The emphasis on the last part, ‘lax’ makes it very clear to me that this is,going to produce some unpleasantness… its simple to make up, add it to 4 tablespoons of water wait for it to cool down (yes cool down because the chemicals get hot which is weird given it goes in cold water…) top the glass up and drink it down. Quite tasty, slight lemon aroma and in general not unpleasant… to drink.
Rules of the procedure then tell you to have a cup of tea followed by breakfast. Are you frickin kidding me? Tea and breakfast…. only if you want it thrown back up all over you! As soon as the Picolax hit my stomach the nausea started, I’m reduced to sipping water until it passes, 3 hours later I’m still nauseous and to boot I’ve been sat on my throne for the best part of an hour and a half. I have however prepared my self for this eventuality and set up the bathroom accordingly. I have my laptop, charger and an extension lead incase I need it. Mobile phone, spare power bank for it, several bottles of water, cans of coke and the obligatory lucozade. A hot water bottle for my tummy, some boiled sweets, well, actually a tin of mint humbugs from Harrods, but they are boiled, and a notebook and pen. (Everyone knows the best ideas come to you whilst on the throne) oh and most importantly vast amounts of lightly chilled toilet roll, 2 cans of airfreshner and a large bottle of bleach. I’m ready for the apocalypse.
For those of you who mistakenly thought the description of the Picolax was pleasant, let me tell you that’s the most pleasant part of it. The contents of my insides have exploded out of my butt faster than the speed of light. I’m going to need to check the toilet shortly because I suspect my innards have fallen out too, dear lord, I hope it’s worth it !
Luckily for me, I am home alone today, the Mr is out getting the car serviced and running various other errands. Therefore when my bottom explodes I don’t have an audience for the musical tunes it is producing (I’m a bit funny about pooping at the best of times)
My next dose is due at 2PM. I’m unsure whether I will have anything left inside by then however if not, I’m hopeful that the two and a half stone I’ve been trying to loose will remove itself. A girl can hope right?
Just to clarify, yes I am sat on the toilet writing this blog post. Why? you may ask!
Well, firstly, it’s not like I can do anything else right now, with boiling hot larva exiting my body at a rate of knots never witnessed before. Secondly, all joking aside getting your bowels checked when things haven’t been quite right is really important. It is most likely something very simple. However the longer you leave it, and yes almost 12 months is a long time, the worse it can be. Now I don’t think for a minute that I have cancer or anything sinister, but at the same time I don’t know what is wrong with me. All I know is it started after food poisoning in Vietnam and I just dont feel well and something’s not right.
So please please please if any of you are suffering with issues at the moment get to the Dr and get it sorted.
Stay tuned for the next installment, I will be sharing the experience from start to finish. Don’t worry I wont be sharing pictures.
Much love the Pink Sparkly Miss.