Before I start –
1) I’m not writing his name.
2) I don’t want anyone to ask me what his social media handles are so they can see who it is.
3) This is like a therapeutic post for me and I hope I can help someone who maybe going through the same thing as me.
Right, that’s the legalities/disclaimer out of the way, let’s begin.
The amount of times I have thought about you over the years is beyond incomparable to anything else I’ve ever thought about. The times I thought about what you’re doing, wondering if you’re okay, wondering who you’re with, wondering if there was even the slightest chance you were thinking about me or even felt the same way as I did about you.
I’ll never forget the first time I met you. We said hello and I felt a spark. Maybe you didn’t feel it but I most certainly did. I could have sat and talked to you all day. I wanted to get to know you, know what your favourite things were, your fears and dreams, get to know your personality and see if we like the same things, whether it be TV shows, films or a favourite side of the bed.
Years ago, I made the first move and you didn’t respond. That should have been the end of that – but it wasn’t. I found myself thinking about you night and day, day and night. You liked my Insta posts and tweets…even if they were small gestures, they meant the absolute world to me, more than you would ever know.
Coming to the realisation that I had fallen in love with you was a shock to the system, in a good way. Me thinking about you constantly didn’t seem such an unhealthy behaviour anymore. Maybe my coming to that conclusion justified my overthinking of yourself.
Weeks went by, I still thought about you. I still wondered if you ever thought about me. Then the worst scenario came true – you had met someone else. When I looked at her, I played the evil comparison game. I knew I wasn’t as pretty as her, wasn’t as smart as her, certainly not as tall or as healthy as she was, but I knew she was making you happy so I felt I needed to be happy for you. Love sends you mixed signals: when you love someone you want them to be happy, no matter what the circumstance. It was killing me seeing you happy with another woman. It completely broke me. I couldn’t bear to look at pictures of you with her, I wanted to be the girl in those photos.
Then your relationship with her finished. I felt on top of the world. I won’t lie, I let out a little cheer when it became evident that you two had finished. I never liked her anyway!
18 months later, you’re still on my mind, maybe not as much as at the beginning but you’re still taking up a little corner of my brain.
Now that I’ve find out you’re possibly seeing someone else it’s made me realise that I don’t have the mental strength to go through this anymore. I have had you on my mind for years now and I think it’s finally time to stop. It’s time to let another man be worthy of my love. You never appreciated it and I realise that now. I have told you how I felt in the past, but you never responded. I should have moved on a lot earlier than this.
I poured my heart and soul for you, I wish to God you took notice, maybe I didn’t shout loudly enough. I’m sorry if I ever felt like a pest to you over these years. Maybe people will judge me for feeling the need to apologise, but I’ll feel guilty if I don’t!
One thing I have learnt from this, is that the worst pain is loving someone who doesn’t love you back. It effing kills, I can’t go through this pain again. My first real love, which was you, was both a happy and sad one. Should I have let myself go down this path with you all those years ago? That’s very debatable. I think the one thing that has scared me is how easily I led myself down this path of what turned out to be eventual heartbreak. I should have been strong enough to withhold myself from doing that. Clearly I’m not as strong as I thought I was.
But I want to thank you. Whenever I felt down, having you on my mind put a smile on my face, even if it was just for a second. Thinking about you made me feel like the world was a better place. I will never forget about you, you may forget about me but that’s ok, I’ll learn to live with that. You’ll always own a little piece of my heart, you were my first love after all, you did have an impact on my life, and that’ll remain the same.
Whether I’ll physically see you ever again in the future remains to be seen, but I’ll always picture you in my mind. However, it’s time for me to do what I have been avoiding and dreading for so long – moving on, for real this time.
One day, you’ll stop being my addiction and my drug. I’m not saying it’ll be easy to get over you, my god it’s going to be a struggle. But you have your life to lead and so do I. You won’t be a complete distant memory, but you’ll be far away enough for me to finally find happiness with someone else. I’ll never forget you though, that’s a promise.
Ok, I need a big box of Kleenex tissues!