If we lived in a perfect world, when our relationships come to an end, they would end on good terms.
It would feel final.
You would get the closure you needed.
You would promise to remain friends and you would only ever think of the good times.
However, we all know we don’t live in a perfect world.
Break ups are messy, they’re savage even, full of angry words and bitter arguments.
When do you ever remember ending a relationship and feeling peace?
Even when I broke up with my ex of 10 years, I didn’t feel peace, I just felt sadness, sad that I was the one hurting him.
Break ups are not neat and tidy, they’re not black and white and they’re very rarely gentle.
And I have spoken about this before, about my need for closure, so when you don’t get the closure you need, it can feel messy and unfinished.
I think of it like an unfinished book, a conversation interrupted, like something is missing.
It is full of unspoken words and scattered hearts that are so desperate to repair.
And sometimes when we get so called closure, we’re not ready.
When my Dad died, that’s how I felt, like I had no closure for a really long time, and if I’m honest a lot of my emotions and feelings stem from that time even now 7 years later.
I never got to say goodbye.
I never got to say one final I love you and I never got that final cuddle.
And that’s why, after a lot of soul searching, I’ve realised I struggle to deal with things when they end.
I’m unable to keep a handle on the situation and it feels like things are just taken from me.
Because without closure, its hard to believe that everything will be okay.
I’m a logical person, I like to fix things and I get that from my Dad.
But the truth is, sometimes we never get that final goodbye or if we do it’s not in the way you wish for.
Sometimes he will never tell you he cares, he wont care about your needs or your feelings, because he doesn’t love you anymore, so for him that was his closure.
One thing you must accept is not getting the closure you need puts it all on to you.
And the need to create your own closure.
You will have to convince yourself that he did love you, despite how hard he broke your heart. You will have to convince yourself that everything between the two of you was real, and that it meant something, maybe even everything, even if it shattered into a million tiny glass pieces
I’m still working on mine.
I’ll let you know xx