Dear Donna,
This lockdown has made me realise that my fiance and I just are not compatible.
It’s not so much the time we’ve been spending together that’s made me realise this. It’s actually the way he has reacted that has made me realise that I do not want to spend the rest of my life with him.
We are all entitled to react to stress in different ways, so I am not saying that his reaction is the ‘wrong’ reaction…is there even such thing? But his way of blindly panicking whilst leaving me to carry out all of the constructive preparations has opened my eyes to the fact that he needs mothering and I’m wanting a husband, not a son.
My thoughts were to explain my reasons and finish the relationship once the lockdown is over, as I feel it would be unfair to drop this on him whilst he still has to be around me for twenty-four hours a day. However, he’s started using this quarantine dead time to organise our wedding…a wedding I have decided cannot go ahead.
Should I let him continue to wedding plan in ignorant bliss until the end of lockdown, or should I break it to him that we’re not going to get married and potentially break his heart at a time when he can’t get away from me?
Thanks Donna. Please keep this anonymous for the sake of my fiance.
A.
Dear A,
I hope that by the time you have received this response, you are still well and that life has not got too unbearable for you.
It is a tricky situation that you find yourself in as normally you would be able to discuss how you feel then give him space so that he can digest the news. However, by putting off this conversation because of the current environment, you are potentially forcing yourself to go along with a situation that you do not want to be in.
In a normal context I would say that you need to discuss your feelings with your partner. I still stick by this despite the extraordinary circumstances. If he continues to wedding plan in the belief that this is also what you want, it will cause huge confusion when you eventually drop your bomb shell. This wont be fair on him. Therefore, as difficult as it is going to be, I would advise you to make your feelings known as soon as possible.
He will want to know why your feelings for him have changed and you need to be both truthful and diplomatic as he is going to be very hurt when hearing your explanation. Therefore, prepare in advance what it is you want to say making note of any specific feelings that you want to raise. This would be better than blurting them out in the heat of an argument.
Lockdown or no lockdown, there is never a right time to end an engagement, so you need to do it now. As you are in close proximity there is a chance that your partner will have already sensed a change in the way that you are acting with him. It is going to be awkward as there will not be the ability to have space from each other or for either of you to storm off as would be the normal reaction. However, the plus side of these restrictions may be that it forces you to talk to one another and to consider each other’s feelings which may even result in some sort of friendship being salvaged from your relationship.
It is not going to be pleasant but I hope it goes ok.
Love
Donna
