Just over six years ago the love of my life cut ties with me and said that he didn’t believe in us as a couple anymore, that he didn’t love me and that he didn’t want to be friends. He completely cut me out of his life. I was deeply hurt and traumatised by this.
Around six weeks after, I found out I had been unknowingly pregnant as I discovered I had miscarried his child. I did a lot of grieving alone for a while before plucking up the courage and admitting that I needed to try and tell him what had happened. I tried to contact him a few times and I eventually received a reply from him asking for me to leave him alone. Again this was painful for me but I did as he asked (still to this day I have no idea why or how I did this).
After this I did my best to try and move on/forward and I moved away from my home for a fresh start. It still took a couple of years for me to absorb and begin to accept the hurt and pain. Just as I began to accept everything and move on, I received an email from him and I (stupidly) replied and started an email conversation with him in which I made the difficult decision to tell him everything.
He apologised via email but didn’t say a lot to me and never has said a lot about why he hurt me and why he refused to have anything to do with me and at different points I have struggled with this.
I have since met someone who has been a breath of fresh air in my life and we have a positive and strong relationship but he is also from where the ex in question is from. My current partner has asked me to move in with him in the same area but out of nowhere I feel upset, some of the grief has come back to the surface and I’m slightly overwhelmed that I could potentially bump into the ex that hurt me… so much so that I thought my life would end.
Even though I do not owe my ex anything at all part of me feels it would be courteous of me to let him know why my life has brought me back to the area in which he may potentially still live but then the other part of me hates how he’s always been towards me and I think to myself “No why should I, he’s an idiot” (my current boyfriend agrees with this). I guess I’m just very aware that he has always treated me badly and it’s important to me to act in the right way because he never has. He is the type of person who would think whatever I am doing is about him and I strongly do not want that.
I feel stuck in limbo between being open, honest or letting sleeping dogs lie?
Can you help me?
Thank you x
Firstly, let me tell you how sorry I am to hear that you have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage whiich you have had to come to turns with it on your own, especially that it happened at a time when you were going through the breakup of your relationship with a partner who you deeply loved. I can only imagine how devasting and traumatic an experience this must have been for you. You are one brave lady and no one can take that away from you. Nevertheless, you have made it through and have torn down those thorns and thistles that were ripping you to shreds and you have found happiness again with your current partner. I am so delighted for you.
However, I can see two remaining challenges here that only you have the honour of laying down arms with…
Challenge number one: When you informed your ex about the difficulties that you faced after he broke up your relationship, he had the opportunity to re-kindle at least a friendship with you. You are still none the wiser as to why he broke up with you. Reflect on his behaviour towards you. Rightly or wrongly, why do you still care about what he is thinking and more importantly, why are you wasting your precious time wondering went wrong? I can guarantee that whilst you were left hurt and on your own, your ex was living his life. You could argue that he was not aware of the pregnancy, however, you had made many attempts to inform him and he chose to decline your contact for his own reasons and you cannot be responsible for his actions.
Challenge number two: If you move in with your current partner, it is only fair that you concentrate all your feelings and energy into this current relationship. You must decide if you are fully ready to do this. If you are not, then you will be making a mistake and I can foresee issues arising that are unfair on your current partner. If you decide to move in, do it with an open and free mind and not with any fears of bumping into your ex and wondering what he would think about your new found relationship.
To conclude, I would urge you to ‘let sleeping dogs lie’ and go and be happy, you deserve it! However, what you have been through is in no way a normal breakup and subconsciously the miscarriage that you suffered may still be having an overwhelming effect on you and could be the root of those considerations you are giving t your ex. Have you tried talking to a therapist about your experience as miscarriages can have underlying effects? Your GP can recommend a suitable therapist to you. It may put to rest any ghosts that are burdening you regarding your ex and the experiences entwined in your breakup.
Whatever action you take, you will always remain honest and true to yourself whilst maintaining the high level of thoughtfulness and kind-heartedness you always practise. Your current partner is a lucky man.
I really hope that this helps. Please let me know how things unfold, it can only be for the better😊