Before I get going with my problem, I just want to tell you that I’m loving the podcast so far. I can’t wait for the next episode to come out each Friday. Keep up the fab work.
I’ll keep my problem brief. My friend is seeing a man who she knows is in a long-term relationship with another girl. She says the responsibility is on the man, not on her, to be loyal to his girlfriend, but honestly it’s making me question who my friend actually is as a person.
If she can so nonchalantly shrug off the fact that she’s in a cheating triangle which is going to inevitably break some poor woman’s heart, goodness knows what else she’s capable of.
When I’ve addressed my concerns with her, she’s told me to mind my business and we’ve agreed just not to discuss the whole sorry saga anymore because it just causes us to argue. But still, I’m worried that I’m friends with someone who’s actually a bit of bad person.
Do you think I’m overreacting?
‘To make a friend, keep one eye closed. To keep a friend, keep both eyes closed’.
I do not think that you are over reacting; it is natural for you to be feeling concerned and disappointed with your friend’s current behaviour.
I would not suggest that she is a bad person per say, rather that she has suffered an error of judgment and the deeper she has got into this relationship, the more complicated it has become to get out. To put herself in such a position, where she knowingly engages in a relationship in which she knows she will always be second best, suggests to me that her self esteem might not be as high as it should be. This does not excuse the fact that she is consciously acting in a way that is going to devastate another girl and I can therefore understand your worrying that you may be in a friendship with someone who is willing to hurt someone else.
Having seen this type of triangle on numerous occasions, I can predict with a substantial amount of confidence that if and when the poor girlfriend finds out and dumps the two timing boyfriend, the chances of him seeking to pursue a monogamous relationship with your friend is practically zero. If he had wanted to be with her, he would have made that decision by now. Instead, he has enjoyed getting the best of both worlds.
Therefore, when your friend is hurt by him, which inevitably she will be, then will be the time for you to pick up the pieces. Consoling her without saying ‘I told you so’ will require a saintly amount of patience, but sometimes this is what we must do when our friends mess up.
It is a matter for your conscience as to whether you feel comfortable being with somebody who has acted in this way. Only you will know if you feel confident in maintaining this friendship. ‘When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time’… you now know who your friend is, so you must decide whether your friendship outvalues the apprehensions you feel at her actions.
There is no right answer.