I hope you’re well and that you’re enjoying this gorgeous Autumn weather. I was hoping you may be able to settle an argument for a friend and I…
We’ve both been messaging the same man from Bumble. We don’t think that he knows we’re friends and so it isn’t as if he’s actively choosing to message / date two friends. Therefore, both my friend and I are in agreement here that he is not in any way to blame.
However…there is some serious friction between my friend and I because of this situation. To be honest, I don’t really mind that this is happening. When we found out that we’d both been messaging the same man, I found it actually quite funny and thought it was a crazy coincidence…we live in a pretty big city so what are the chances we’d both hit it off with the same man out of the thousands of men out there. We’ve both been on dates with him and get on well with him and as far as I’m concerned things should just take their natural course…things may fizzle out with him and me and take more of a serious turn with my friend and him. Alternatively, he may find he’s better suited to me and stop dating my friend. Who knows! At the moment I just don’t think it’s worth getting all het up about.
My friend on the other hand wants me to cut all ties with him immediately, which personally I don’t think is very fair or necessary. I like him, quite a lot in fact, and I don’t love the idea of him going and dating my friend but I feel I’m mature enough to let them find out if they’re well suited, but she isn’t willing to do the same. It is not as if I knew they were messaging then went out of my way to try and date him myself…it was a complete coincidence!
Do you think I’m being a bad friend for not cutting my ties with him upon her request? From my point of view, I like him just as much as she does, so why should it be me who ceases the ‘courtship’ (as my mum would say)?
Your opinion will be greatly appreciated.
There are plenty of guys available who would tick the same boxes, what a shame that this issue is causing friction between you and your friend. This is going to be a testing time for your friendship, but it is a problem that can be sorted out if your relationship with your friend is robust.
You both need to have a serious talk and decide what is more important, your friendship or carrying on dating this guy. As I understand from your letter, this guy is dating you both and has not made any commitment to either of you. How long have you been friends? Is dating this guy worth breaking up your friendship for? Who would you put first, each other or this guy? What are your real feelings for this guy? How long have you liked him and been dating him? All these points need to be discussed calmly and respectably.
After you have discussed all these points, it may become clear that one may not want this guy as much as the other. Your talk must be conducted in a mature and considerate manner otherwise there will be no compromise made with this situation. I do not think it is fair of your friend to assume that you will cut ties and leave the situation for her to have this guy’s full attention. How is she so sure that he is not dating a third or fourth person? If you value your friendship, my honest recommendation would be that you both drop him.
If you cannot reach a compromise on this, then the next way to resolve the issue would be to let the guy know the predicament you are in. I hope that he will be mature enough to choose one of you or even better still, drop both of you to cease the friction between you both.
If, however, he chooses your friend, then as difficult as it may be, I encourage you to accept it. Yes, you will be disappointed but be happy for your friend, you will find someone out there that just wants you. If he chooses you, then you rest in the knowledge that this has been his choice. Be mindful of your friend’s feelings and make sure you make every effort to keep your friendship strong.
Whatever happens, remember that you were friends before this guy came along and it will be a travesty if you both allowed him to come between you.
I hope this helps.