Please can this email remain anon. It should become pretty clear why…
I was out over the weekend with three friends, two other girls and a guy. We’re all quite a tight bunch and do a lot together but about six months ago the male friend in our group started dating a seemingly nice girl.
At the start we were all very friendly with her but she soon made our friend’s life difficult when it came to seeing us all. He began to cancel plans last minute because she’d shout at him when he told her he was going to hang out with us. We all came to really dislike her because of what seemed like very controlling and jealous behaviour.
However over the weekend she was at her aunt’s birthday party so our friend came out with us without telling her. We all agreed it was wrong of him to be avoiding the truth but could kind of see why he’d done it so didn’t give him too much of a hard time about it.
BUT…he kissed another girl while we were in the club!!!
Us girls are now all split in opinion as to what to do. If that were my boyfriend, I’d hope that his female friends would have enough respect for the girl-code to tell me my boyfriend had so flippantly cheated on me. But the other girls think we should just stay quiet about it because it’s none of our business.
I asked him if he was going to tell her and he was horrified that I’d even suggested it, so I guess that won’t be happening.
Please help Donna – I don’t know who out of us girls is right here. I know that I’d want my boyfriend’s friends to tell me, but I don’t want to stick my nose into someone else’s business unnecessarily.
Thank you for getting in touch.
Well, I can see from the content of your letter why your male friend’s partner was not happy about him going out on his own. I ask myself, was her controlling behaviour a result of jealously or mistrust?
Consider how a new partner of someone who is in a tight bunch might feel. Slightly out of the mix, maybe. The girlfriend has a completely different relationship with your male friend than the friendship group and will see a side of him that he has not shared with the group. She probably cannot understand why, after six months of being in a relationship, he is not extending the invitation to her when you all meet as a group? She is bound to feel left out, not wanted or even in the way. Her feelings rightly justified.
However, you cannot carry the blame or be responsible for your male friend’s actions. I think that as a group, inform him that not only has he acted unfairly to his girlfriend, but he has put you all in a difficult position.
Although you have the right intentions, she is not going to thank you for dropping this upsetting news on her. She is going to feel hurt, upset and even humiliated and would therefore, prefer that the news came from her partner. Plus, if the girlfriend forgave him, she may lay down ultimatums that includes the friendship group. The male friend will have a lot more bargaining power if you are not involved.
To summarise, persuade your male friend to tell his girlfriend. Someone other than the group may have seen the kiss. If she found out through other means, matters could be increasingly worse.
I hope this helps.