Please can I keep this message anonymous to protect my friend who is the subject below:
I’ve been friends with her for nearly fifteen years. We met at school and have always been close ever since. However, when I went to stay with her this week, she tried to kiss me.
I had NO IDEA she was into women, let alone that she was into me. I feel ashamed at how I reacted – I was like ‘woah what the hell are you doing?’ – but in fairness I was very much in shock.
I was meant to be staying the night but she asked me to leave, I think because she was embarrassed.
I really don’t want this to be the end of our friendship, but how do I raise this with her without embarrassing her further? I want to apologise for not reacting more sensitively and I also want to explain that her sexuality makes no difference to me so long as she understands that she and I will not be an item. How do I got about this without doing any further damage?
Thanks in advance Donna.
Do not blame yourself as this was an unexpected act from your friend that was bound to cause shock. I am sure your reaction would have been the same if someone of the opposite sex had tried to kiss you unexpectedly. However, I think you are being open-minded and reasonable in your wish to apologise for your reaction.
I am pleased that you have had time to reflect on the situation and still want to remain friends. Subsequently, this matter must be discussed. If you do not have this conversation, then neither of you will be able to move forward which will no doubt have a negative effect on your friendship and possibly lead to your friendship breaking up.
Your friend has also had time to reflect on her actions and, as you stated, may be feeling embarrassed and is assuming that you are still angry with her and no longer want to continue with the friendship. To avoid words being misinterpreted, I would advise that the best way to approach your friend is to call her and request, in a friendly manner, that you meet up. If you do not get a response or you feel she may be avoiding your calls, send your request in a little note. Put a smiling face at the end of your message so that she does not construe your request to be one written in anger.
If your friend is ‘into women’ it is remarkable that after 15 years of having a close friendship, there were no signs of this other than the kiss. Therefore, was this a spontaneous, in the moment and one-off act, or has your friend had ongoing feelings for you that you were unaware of? These are the questions that you should sensitively put to your friend. If it turns out that your friend is in the LGBTQ community, there is the question of why during 15 years of being close friends, she felt that she could not share this with you. It will also be your opportunity to explain to her that her sexuality does not make any difference to your friendship and clarify what your sexuality is so no further misunderstandings can be made. More importantly, let her know that you do not want your friendship to end because of it. It is going to be a delicate conversation for both of you but will be a measure of your friendship.
Good luck, I hope she realises you are a genuine and true.