I love listening and reading the Dear Donnas and I now have a problem of my own to share with you. I hope you are able to help.
I’ve begun seeing a boy who I know is going to mess me about. I know it sounds weird because I’m gong into this knowing that it will not end well, however I am not naïve. The thing is though, I’ve been in lockdown for a year, I really like him and I just want to enjoy myself for a bit. It’s not going to be forever because he’s a big commitment phobe, but I’m knowing that going into it.
My friends are not supporting me at all. They can’t understand, but of course they can’t because they’ve been living with their boyfriends through lockdown and not on their own like me. They can’t go out and have fun, whereas I can. That’s what I want to do, even though I know that it has an expiry date.
I’m wondering whether you think they’re right to judge me like this? They nag me and I can’t talk to them without them bringing up how they want me to finish things with this man.
Please feel free to be honest, as I know you always are.
It sounds to me as though your friends are really trying to look out for you. Whilst their opinions are not welcome, I do not think they are being malicious in any way at all.
From what I can see, you know that they are right. But, like we all do sometimes, you want to just run head-first into the disaster anyway. It won’t make sense to anyone else but you, so that is something that you need to bear in mind.
Your friends clearly care about you a lot and do not want to see you get hurt, but ultimately they cannot stop you from doing something that you really want to do. All they can do is tell you their opinion, share their concerns, then be there for you when it all goes belly up. Believe me, it is much better to have friends who care this much, than friends who don’t care enough to try to protect you.
You are autonomous and can make your own choices – it is not for anybody else to make them for you. However, I would say that you can reasonably expect your friends to be concerned. If this ‘having fun’ has an expiry date, then it may be worth just putting up with your friends’ comments until it has duly expired. Don’t lose your friends over someone who is going to leave you hurt.
I hope this helps.