I could use some advice on a matter I’ve been going through with a boy. It’s terribly frustrating because I just don’t know what to do.
I met a boy two weeks ago. Well, I say ‘met’…I’ve known who he is for years, but we’d never actually spoken to each other or mixed in the same groups.
Anyway, we’d got to chatting on a night out and really hit it off. He’s not my usual type, but he’s cute and sweet and so far just seems so lovely. I’m really feeling him.
On Saturday night, I was going out with friends as was he. We hadn’t arranged to meet up, but you know what Bristol’s like…we all just ended up bumping into each other. Our groups were mixing nicely and I was secretly really giddy to see him and was happy that he wanted me to get to know his friends.
About five years ago, I had a drunken snog with one of his friends. He asked if he could come back to mine, but I was far too drunk and it went no further. Nothing else has happened with us since. When we’ve been in the same pub, we’ve barely even acknowledged each other. But when I was queueing for the bar on Saturday night, he came up and put his arm around me from behind. I made a joke about that not being very social distancy, but he didn’t let go so I pulled away. He then stroked my face and said we had unfinished business, which was the cringest thing I’d ever heard.
He’s very good looking, so I don’t think rejection is high up on his list of fears. He persisted a bit, but I told him I don’t think him laying it on so thick with me makes him a very good friend. To which, he said, ‘it wouldn’t count because I saw you first…that’s how guys work’.
Luckily by then it was my turn at the bar which gave me a getaway, then I more or less ignored him the whole night. I kept catching him staring at me, but just iced him.
I’m not too bothered about him laying it on me, but I was wondering whether I should tell the boy I’ve been seeing how terrible his friend is being behind his back. If my friend were doing that to me, I’d want to know. But maybe snog boy is right…is that just “how guys work”?
Firstly, I want to tell you how selfless and caring you’re being by dismissing how the exchange at the bar made you feel. You say you’re not too bothered about it and I think we women can be quick to brush off how that kind of scenario has actually made us feel. Check in with yourself – it’s OK to admit you might have felt uncomfortable. The fact that you needed a ‘getaway’ isn’t exactly indicative of a comfortable experience. How you feel is as important here too.
You asked whether you should tell the boy you’ve been seeing about his awful friend. My honest advice would be to wait a little while and see where things go with the two of you. Although a lot can happen in two weeks when you meet someone you really get along with and you might feel that there’s a lot of promise here, something which builds up quickly can also dissipate quickly too. There isn’t a lot of foundation to your relationship / courtship yet, and by telling him about the exchange at the bar, you’re asking him to believe that his friend has betrayed him. Shock makes us all act in different ways, sometimes in ways we regret and I would hate for him to, in shock at the news, claim you are lying or to somehow lay culpability on your shoulders and that be the end of what seems like quite a blossoming romance.
Let things play out a little bit with the two of you. If you find yourself in a serious relationship a little way down the line, maybe then consider whether to tell him. It might be water under the bridge by then, in which case you might choose to let sleeping dogs lie. However, you might feel that he’s far too close to his so-called friend to not know the truth about what happened.
That decision will be based on how you feel when you’re even closer to this guy you’ve been seeing, but for now I wouldn’t recommend telling him. However, know that what the so-called friend did, is absolutely in no way “just how guys work”…well, not good, decent guys anyway! He sounds like a very bad apple indeed. Saying such a thing is him letting himself off the hook for bad behaviour.
The guy you’ve been seeing sounds lovely and I hope things continue to blossom with him. If, down the line, you want to check back in to discuss whether to tell him about his friend, you know where I am. And remember, if anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, take it seriously even if saying it out loud sounds trivial. How you feel is always important.