Well, I can’t even lie, this week has been one of the hardest I’ve experienced in a long time. As I sit here writing this, and I really reflect upon the last seven days, it’s hard not to be emotional – emotional that we’re muddling through it with great health and relationships (so far) intact, emotional about what’s to come and emotional about the impact, globally, on peoples businesses and personal lives.
It’s the uncertainty that throws me.
The knowing that this will pass, but the not knowing when.The knowing I have a toolkit to ground myself and deal with these waves of emotion, but that many haven’t. Knowing that now is the time for me to do my work but feeling impostor-syndrome because sometimes I feel those emotions too.
On a daily, if not hourly, basis I go through waves.
Sometimes I feel selfish, sometimes I want to be selfish. The advice is all so conflicting and confusing – stay at home and don’t mix in social groups of more than two but go to work and interact with groups?
Go out once per day for physical activity – but don’t leave your garden – what about those who don’t have a garden? What about those who don’t have a home?
My heart wants to help everyone, but my head asks – by doing so am I putting my own family a risk?
But why wouldn’t I go to work? Imagine if the NHS staff said no! Imagine if the supermarkets didn’t open. How could we possibly be selfish at such a significant time? But despite this knowing, it doesn’t make the reality any easier.
I’ve felt waves of excitement about being at home with my family and spending time doing all of the things I often wish I have time for. I’ve felt waves of stress, panic, disbelief and absolute surrealness.
I’ve felt overwhelmed at times – particularly if I’ve paid attention to the media coverage and underwhelmed on other occasions, mostly when some don’t appear to take the issue seriously or they don’t understand their role in contributing to getting back to normality sooner rather than later.
Days (when we figure out which day it actually is) are marked by mealtimes and we revel at the fortune of being able to eat well and to dine as a family. But Sunday? Monday? They all merge into one.
I’ve tried to prepare – I’ve bought pots of paint with good intention of using my time productively, arts and crafts to do with the kids and Netflix and reading recommendations have poured in abundantly, but this week we’ve all felt disorientated, unable to concentrate. All of our energy has gone into self-care and processing.
And that’s ok.
“Life comes at us in waves. We can’t predict or control them but we can learn to surf”.