In the midst of my sadness that seems to have taken over my life for such a long time, I asked myself today do I still want him in my life, regardless of the pain I have gone through? Is that why my heart is aching so badly?
And the truth is, I don’t even know if there would ever be a way to connect back to him as he has moved on, moved on to become a person I no longer recognize. And yet I feel like I am stuck in a heavy tide, battling desperately to keep my head above water, clutching at anything to keep breathing.
And he looks happy, happy without me and that’s really hard to deal with.
I kept waiting for him to reach out, reach out and tell me he missed me, he made a mistake, and he can’t imagine a life without me. But as time has gone on, I have realized he wont be doing that, he looks happy and if I’m honest seeing how quickly he has moved on has made me question whether he felt anything for me. It is like this whole thing has been a complete lie and the feelings I am left with are mine and mine alone.
One of the hardest things I have ever had to give up on him to understand that he is not the one for me, the one I always thought he was.
And the more time passes the gap between us becomes even more vast and I don’t know how to connect the person that he was to the person he is now.
Every day that passes is just another day he chooses a life without me, regardless of how I feel.
One thing I do know is there is no fighting something out of your mind, no matter how many face masks you put on, how many films you play in the background to drown out your thoughts you cannot force yourself to let go, no matter how much you know you need too.
Telling yourself to just ‘not care’ anymore wont work either, when you have been so deeply attached to something you cannot just loosen your grip and all of a sudden you’re okay, you’re over it.
It doesn’t work like that.
Letting go of something you have worked so hard to hold on to is never going to be easy, but I know there will come a time when all the pain I am feeling will hurt less and my heart at some point will begin to heal.
But what I question on the daily is, how can someone truly love so deeply yet be so unsure of that love that they are willing to risk losing it forever?