Just a few short minutes and everything changed. Four and half years gone just like that. My heart was broken, and I was in shock as I watched him walk out the door for the very last time. I wanted him to turn around, come back, tell me we could work things out, that he would change, that we would be ok. But I knew that wouldn’t work. I had given him chance after chance and each time he had lied to me, had made me look a fool and made me feel like I was the one with the problem.
So, there I was, single at age 40 and just lost everything I had believed I wanted. At that point I honesty felt like I couldn’t carry on living without him (which looking back now, sounds so weak) but at the time it genuinely was how I felt. Getting through each day was a battle. I had to keep going to work as I still had to pay the mortgage on the house we had bought together. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and was checking my phone constantly, just in case he had messaged.
I didn’t want to speak to anyone, see anyone or do anything. My family were just so amazing – they looked after me, let me scream and shout and held me when I couldn’t stop crying. The pain and the loneliness is awful – I had so many amazing family and friends all wanting to be there for me, and yet I had never felt more alone in my life – the person I had spent every day with for the last 4 ½ years had gone and I felt so lost and so alone.
At that point, I didn’t feel like I would have a life again or would even know how to live a life on my own after being with him for such a long time. I know it sounds so totally cliché (and it really is) but time is a great healer. As the days grew into weeks and the weeks grew into months, I started slowly finding a new life again. Found that I could cope on my own (with the continued support and love of my family and friends). That I was ok and I could get through each day. The weekends were so hard – the feeling lost and lonely continued, but the longer I was alone the more I saw things in a different way. It was like I was looking back at the relationship with fresh eyes.
One day I woke up and it hit me like a train – the feeling of relief that I had escaped from such an unhappy period of my life and from a man who had made me doubt everything about myself. Each day I became stronger and happier adjusting to a new life. The biggest journey I had to take was finding myself again – the fun, happy and outgoing girl I once was had become lost in the misery of everything and I had to go about putting me back together again and finding a new me again.
I began journaling, which I would say has been my savior throughout my healing journey. Getting all my thoughts and emotions going on inside my head down on paper has helped me so much. Without fail, every evening, I would sit down with my journal and just write. Sometimes I would write how I am feeling emotionally and mentally, sometimes I would write how my day had been, sometimes I would write about what I am grateful for in my life, and sometime I literally would just write all the random and irrational things that were going on in my head.
It has taken me a really long time to feel and be happy on my own and with the life I now have. I am very content with being single and have spent the last year working on myself and I am able to make sense of a lot of the things I have gone through and come to terms with the huge sense of loss in my life. Heartbreak is one of the worst things that we can go through, you will feel empty and you will feel lost, but you also will find a way through it all, you will survive and I really do believe you will come out of it a much happier and stronger person.