If you had asked me 10-15 years ago, where I would see myself at 33, I would have 100% told you, married with at least two children. Those of you who have read some of my other blogs, will know what happened on the marriage side, and it’s not something I am against, but I’m not overly concerned that I no longer have a tick in that box. But now at 33 and 3 months, those two children haven’t happened either.
Being a mother was always on my agenda, I had two baby brothers when I was 15 and 17 which reinforced the yearning for motherhood very early on and it’s never really gone away. Married at 22, I thought all my plans were aligning and having children was imminent. It would have been so easy to take that step, but deep down I knew things weren’t right and it wouldn’t have been fair to bring a child into a family that wouldn’t last.
This decision means that now, I’m getting to the point where realistically children might not happen for me and sometimes, I’m ok with that fact and other times, it kills me. Finally, I’m in a happy and secure relationship and bringing life into the world would just complete the jigsaw for me. But it’s not quite that simple.
At 17 years older, with children and stepchildren of his own, my other half has done the baby thing a few times over and his youngest (a 15-year-old) currently lives with us full time. More than likely, in a few years, his son will have moved out and we will get time to really enjoy being a couple – something we haven’t really been able to do. But if we were to start a family of our own, we would effectively be starting all over again.
Being a stepmom has been a journey and a huge learning curve, but it’s not the same. I do everything a mom would do day in, day out, and although now, we get on really well, he has a mom, he doesn’t need another one, so the unconditional bond that I long for just isn’t quite there.
So, this leaves me in the quandary I’m in now, how do I really feel about not having a baby? As I’ve mentioned sometimes, I’m ok with it, and I can accept to a point that my life just hasn’t taken that path. I can understand that at the time we are at in our lives, not having a child probably makes the most sense.
But honestly? It hurts. At times, I’m devastated to think I will not experience the pregnancy journey, or that moment of pure happiness when you bring that tiny baby you’ve grown for 9 months into the world. I feel like a failure knowing what my body was made to do, isn’t going to happen. Its tough seeing so many of my friends and peers, experience what I’m longing for. I scroll through Facebook and Instagram seeing so many people sharing their pregnancy journey or their month by month photos of this new precious addition in their lives. Some days I can “ooooh” and “awwww” with everyone else and then others I feel the lump in my throat and I just have to scroll past.
I often wonder what other people assume about me, a woman of my age with no children? Do they think I’m a career driven, power hungry bitch with no time for small humans? Do they feel sorry for me because they think I’m not able to have children? I find it awkward to talk about, I brush off the comments of “Oooh its suits you” when I’m holding a niece or nephew or pretend, I don’t hear the “It’ll be you next.” I don’t want people to feel sorry for me when they know, deep down, I would love to have children.
Being a mother promotes you into the most important role of your life and you’re in it for forever. I’m not sure if there is anything on the planet that would given me that level of fulfilment but then again how am I to know either way? I don’t know how my emotions will develop as my biological clock ticks down even further and it does worry me what effect it will have on me and my relationship. I may simply accept it, once it’s not physical possible anymore, will that make it easier? Or will I be full of regret?
I know we’re are doing what’s right for us, right now and I know there are so many other women in the same boat. I also know, not being a mother doesn’t define me, and it certainly doesn’t make me any less of a woman and as time moves on, this is something I have to focus on when I’m having my wobbles (that or I need to get more puppies!)