I flicked through my diary a couple of days ago and couldn’t quite believe we are already in June; this year seems to be galloping by so quickly.
In the back of my mind I didn’t want June to arrive, this month is filled with sadness for me for many reasons.
It has been a whole year since I lost my baby at 13 weeks. As the months have gone by, the pain has lessened ever so slightly and I do know as time goes on it will get easier, but it will never leave me entirely.
I don’t think prior to this happening to me I realised how lonely the road is after a miscarriage – it certainly has been for me. There have been so many emotions and feelings to navigate, all of which I have done completely alone. I struggled to know what was normal and how was I supposed to be feeling. Was there a time limit on my sadness? And worst of all, I didn’t know to whom I could turn to talk about how I was feeling.
I think the one thing I have struggled with the most is how I feel deep down that I caused the miscarriage myself with the stress and upset I was under at the time. Every single day I wish I could go back to that time and remove myself from the stress and just concentrate on my own health and that of the baby. It really doesn’t matter how many times anyone will tell me that it wasn’t my fault, I blame myself every day.
One thing I am hugely grateful for, and something I will never forget, is seeing my baby on the screen and hearing its healthy heartbeat. I wish I could go back to that day and listen again. I was so scared at the time, terrified in fact. I had a million and one emotions and … wow, pregnancy hormones … they are something else. But if I knew then what I know now, I would go back and savour that moment forever.
But the loss I still feel every single day. Every day I imagine what my life should be like if things had been different and I wonder when that will ever stop.
For me, I still mourn the baby I never met.
I still feel the loss every day.
I often wonder how I will feel if I become pregnant again – I am almost terrified of that happening for fear of the same outcome. But I know right now isn’t the right time and what is meant for me will not pass me. I hope if I’m ever lucky enough to be pregnant again, I will have a much happier, life-changing experience.
So, I thought I would write this post for anyone who needs it, whether it’s now for yourself or for someone else you may know has gone / is going through the pain of losing a baby. You’re not alone and however you are feeling, whether that be that you’re sad, that you’re okay, or you don’t even know how you are – that’s fine, there is no ‘normal’ way to feel. The subject is so loaded with sadness and I understand you may not wish to speak about it with anyone and again that’s okay, that’s grief. Everyone deals with it in different ways.
I will think of you today as always.