I’ve been told that I’m far too fussy when it comes to guys – that I’ll never be happy with someone if I maintain my current level of pickiness. To those people, I say: I have standards. I’m perfectly happy being single and don’t need to be romantically involved in order to feel whole, therefore why should I waive my requirements just for the sake of having a partner?
Now, I won’t bore you with my requirements, mostly because – despite what my friends might tell you – I don’t have a list of boxes that need to be ticked if a man has a chance of getting ‘this candy’ (Gemma Collins, 2012). What I do have, however, is a list of pet peeves which, if committed, are more than likely going to leave me searching for the first opportunity to leave the date. Boys, take note…
(In no particular order)
Being on their phone
It riles me when I am on a date with a man and he is on his phone. If you have somewhere more important to be hun, be my guest. If he were to say ‘I’m so sorry, I’m expecting a really important call that I just couldn’t reschedule’ or ‘I’m going to keep my phone on loud because my sister’s expecting to go into labour any day now’, I would not find this annoying for a second. Life happens, at the end of the day. But what I cannot abide is him scrolling whilst I’m talking or diving on his phone and chuckling to himself the minute it lights up. Plain rude.
‘My ex was crazy’
When a man says this, the first thing I want to ask is: ‘Was she crazy, or did your behaviour make her crazy?’. I will assume it was the latter.
Talking about nothing but drunk experiences
I have been on SO many dates where the only anecdotes the guy has are things that happened when he was drunk. I’m all for a funny drunk story, but if you have literally nothing else to talk about then I’m seriously wondering if you’re a bit boring.
Leaving me sat there waiting for you is not the way to win me around. I get that things happen which lead to lateness, but if these guys are running behind then a ‘I’ll be ten minutes, got caught in traffic’ text wouldn’t go amiss.
Flirting with other girls whilst on the date
Believe me, this has actually happened. I left the bar and did not look back.
Refusing to let me split the bill
I am a sucker for chivalry and when a man offers to pay for the bill, in a rather Dickensian fashion it does make me swoon very, very slightly. (Note, I would never think less of a man for not offering to pay the whole bill). However, there does come a point where I do feel it is important that I carry my half. Especially if I’ve chosen the venue or if, for example, I’ve ordered cocktail after cocktail whilst he’s only been on pints. Sure, we do the whole charade of “Let’s split it.” “No, I’ll get it.” “Thank you, but I’m more than happy to split” but, if at this point he continues to insist that he pays, alarm bells do start to ring in my head. There are the boys who get visibly annoyed by my wanting to split which, to me, speaks volumes. If they deem splitting the bill to be emasculating, then they had better show themselves out because that’s some small-d*ck-energy.
Going in for the kiss completely out of nowhere
I don’t want to go in too harshly about this one because I have no doubt that it’s down to nerves, but the worst time this happened to me was when I had a mouth full of G&T. He pounced on me and, in pressing his lips against mine, caused the gin to go everywhere like a pin piercing a water balloon. It was down my top, down my chin, down his chin…it was a disaster.
Being rude to staff
I cannot stand anybody who is rude to staff. I’ve been known to have my ‘could I please talk to the manager’ moments, but I’d like to think that I am always respectful and polite, even when I am in effect complaining about service being substandard. Talking down to people who are serving you is, to me, a huge turn-off. Thank u, next.
Having no opinion on anything
I’m not asking to go on a date with Huw Edwards, but having some vague recollection of what’s going on in the world at the moment would be ideal. If the man doesn’t know what is in the news at the moment, or does and cannot even make a passing comment about it, then I’m worried.
Being on his high horse
On the flip side of my last point, I am not on a date to be preached at. If there’s topic he’s passionate about, then I’d love to hear about it. I actually find it very attractive when a guy feels strongly about something (obviously this depends what the topic is…if it turns out he’s passionate about collecting Nazi memorabilia then the levels of attraction will, without question, plummet hard). But whilst I’m keen to hear about his thoughts and interests, I do not want to feel like I’m being grilled by Andrew Marr. Please do have beliefs, but don’t let them make you feel superior.