You are laid in bed after a small midnight snack. A secret snack. You are a secret night time eater to be accurate. Practically choking on your own acid because your shitty reflux pipe doesn’t close properly and now actual acid is leaking out. Not actual acid like the battery sort but the stomach sort. The burning sensation in your chest and throat is horrendous. The pain between your buzzies is so severe you start to wonder if it is indigestion and heartburn at all. Maybe you’re having a heart attack?
When I was pregnant the first time round we lived in a house with only a downstairs bathroom. When I got bigger in the third trimester and the baby insisted I go for 5 wee’s per night I got into the habit of sneaky night time eating. I would open the snack cupboard and poke a Jaffa cake into my mouth. If I could chew and swallow it while my head was still in the cupboard it was like it never happened and didn’t count so I would take another to eat whilst having a wee. This happened every night and every wee. It is unfortunate that 12 years and 3 stone later I have failed to break the habit and still sneak down during the night in full stealth mode to shovel a few biscuits in before slipping back into bed and pretending I’ve never moved. These days I don’t even have the accompanying wee. The shame of it.
Now, I’m no doctor but I don’t think this helps my indigestion.
Not long ago I was having a particularly painful bout of indigestion. I had two hot water bottles, one for my stomach and one for my back. I’d chugged nearly half a bottle of Gaviscon straight from the bottle like the class act I am but I was still in agony. A couple of hours had passed and it wasn’t easing at all so I woke Husband.
‘’I’m not very well’’ I said in a poorly voice. The sort of voice you find yourself doing when you ring in sick at work.
‘’You woke me up. I’ve got to be at work soon’’ he slurred.
‘’But I think I might be having a heart attack’’ I whined.
I then explained how it felt and the pain I was in. I reminded him how we’d all heard the stories about people who thought they had needed a Rennie when really they needed a triple heart bypass.
‘’I think I should go to hospital’’ I announced.
His annoyance at being rudely awoken during the night and being talked to death was obvious.
‘’You’re probably not even having one’’. He snapped. ‘’I bet you just need to pump. How embarrassing if we got there and you just needed to let one go’’
So just to conclude, I was on the cusp of heart failure and Husband flat out refused to take me to hospital just in case I showed him up by not actually having a heart attack. Then he went straight back to sleep.
I have since learned that copious amounts of peppermint tea will do the trick and bring some relief … and some pumps. As it happened I did just need to let one go.