So Friday is when I tie that big old knot. Hang the ball by a chain from his ankle and never remove the shackle. I didn’t think I would ever get married until I met my fiancé. I wasn’t bothered about it either really. Then I had a baby and decided I wanted her name too, which was also his.
When I started planning I was awe inspired by Pinterest. I was daydreaming watching the notebook. I was looking at us with rose tinted bins. And then reality hit and it’s been one of the toughest times of my life emotionally. When you think of getting married it’s always perfection you’re striving for and when, like me, you have a hormone imbalance that makes you clinical depressed for half the month and a chronic illness that makes getting out of bed hard for the rest of it, it’s not perfection you get.
When I think of marriage I think of these things.
- Sleeping cuddled up ~ stirring in the night and reaching out feeling reassured by your better half’s presence. Breakfast in bed on Saturdays. Lazy lie ins. The full monty of clichés. VS – what you actually get, which is a night of interrupted sleep, snores, sometimes nights spent on the sofa because of said snores, some times nights taking turns to nurse sick kids. There isn’t anything remotely romantic about sharing a bed with a long term partner/ husband in my opinion. We have an abundance of earplugs and a plant that’s supposed to reduce snoring at our bedsides. We also have a bed full of crumbs because our 4 year old eats in there.
- Loving texts of support and cuddles – Ha!! My husband to be doesn’t remember a single thing I tell him because he’s not listening to begin with and if we’re being honest nor am I. We’re far too busy thinking about who’s on childcare duty and what appointments we have around our work schedule. The texts are short and sweet and usually end with some form of exclamation!
- Regular date nights and sex on tap. – we do try and make time for each other but to call it regular would be an exaggeration. We do really enjoy each other’s company, but life is busy and exhausting and sometimes that makes dating your fiancé hard. We have fabulous sex, when we have it! But it’s not every night, sometimes it’s not every week. It’s when we manage to get close.
Despite all of this I still can’t wait to marry him and couldn’t imagine a life without him in it.
But let’s not pretend that marriage and love is hearts and flowers all of the time. I can’t even remember the last time I got flowers, and to be honest they cost a fortune so I’d probably kick off if I saw the florist receipt on our joint account statement.
What I do know is, he is the person I want to wake up next to, even after a night of snoring. He is the person I want to tell about my day. And when I’m not too tired for sex, he is the person I want to have it with. He is my calm, my safe place. But he also infuriates me, his farts stink and sometimes I give him the silent treatment for days. I hope we will always work at this together, I hope we will always talk. I hope we will never stop making each other laugh.
I believe that marriage, like parenting, is trial and error, I believe it takes patience and work and as much as I’m excited I’m also scared. Cold feet I’m told are totally normal, still all these feelings are an emotional rollercoaster. I feel completely besotted, utterly confused, desperately in love and I’m still pissed off he didn’t do the washing up last night.
Most importantly, I feel ready.