June 1, 2020 in Life
It’s taken me a long time, but now when I look in the mirror I no longer see Amelia’s mum, I’m seeing me… And it feels amazing! Scratch that!… It feels f*cking amazing!
I lost myself to motherhood since welcoming my daughter into the world back in December 2018 & sadly, I don’t think it’s uncommon. We put so much of ourselves into caring for our children, I think even more so as first time mums, that it’s so easy for us to forget who we are.
Us as people.
As human beings.
Not as mothers!
It’s strange because I never really realised it at the time. I suppose as a new mum you don’t really have time to do anything else other than protect & care for that miniature version of yourself. You instantly get pushed to the back of the line. I felt like I had to do it all, I was the primary care giver for my child, I ran the house, had my side hustle & even managed to keep the dog alive during that time too. Four seemingly simple tasks, but when put together, I was lucky if I got 5 minutes to pee in peace.
I’ve been through a bit of a transformation and journey of self discovery this year (even though we all know 2020 is cancelled due to corona right?) Returning to work after maternity leave played a big initial part in this, I was back doing what pre-baby Claire did, I was interacting with actual adult human beings who weren’t asking me if my daughter had pooped that day, or if she’d finally managed to eat a full meal. I was even making new friends! It was bliss!
The old me was coming back.
I’d been mourning my pre-baby self for quite some time previous to this & had found myself stuck in a slump up until around 9 months postpartum. My days looked the same, I woke up at 5am, prepared x amount of bottles for x amount of hours apart, I’d structure naps & meal prepped like there was no tomorrow; I was like a robot. A mama robot!
Something else which has helped regain my confidence in being me is redefining my personal style. It sounds so trivial and materialistic, but filling my wardrobe full of pieces that feel like me & show me off rather than covered me up has worked wonders for my self confidence. My wardrobe actually makes me feel sassy as a mum. Don’t get me wrong, I still have plenty of loungewear in there, or mum uniform as I like to call it, but even when I do wear those looser, more casual type styles, I still feel blooming amazing in them.
Fast forward to 18 months (almost) postpartum, I’m fearless in motherhood & I’m fearless being me. This is because I no longer see myself solely as Amelia’s mum, I’m seeing me as me. Being a parent is a huge part of me, but I’m no longer defined by motherhood; I see all of me.
I see my flaws.
I see my strengths.
I see my weaknesses.
I see opportunities.
I see freedom.
I see a hard worker.
I see happiness.
I see love.
I see someone comfortable in their own skin.
I see an empowered woman.
I see me as me, not just as a mother.
I knew that becoming a parent would come with a rollercoaster of different emotions, but I in no way thought it’d change the way I looked at myself. Pretty naive of me really. Of course it’s going to change how you view yourself, and probably how others view you too. I’d be very surprised if any women out there said they hadn’t changed since becoming mothers.
I feel like I’m entering the other side now and that I’ve opened up a whole new level of empowerment & self love. I’m feeling amazing right now, as myself and as a mum & I’m making it my mission for others to feel the same.
Have you ever felt lost to motherhood? How do you see yourself?