1) Mum complaining that the same films are shown every day on BBC / ITV 2 over the festive period. This morning I walked into the kitchen to the soundtrack of mum shouting “How many times are they going to show Kungfu bloody Panda??”
2) Getting drinks bought for you by people who seem to think they’re your second cousin three times removed. If it means a free G&T then…sure thing, if you say so cuz!
3) Opening my presents on Christmas morning knowing that any gift that says ‘Love Mum and Dad’ will be as much of a surprise to Dad as it will be to me.
4) Giving my pets Christmas cuddles despite them not having the foggiest clue what is going on.
5) Not feeling hungover…mostly because I’m in a constant state of mild inebriation. Baileys for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do.
6) Whatsapping my bestie circa 6pm on Christmas Day to find out if she’s managed to embarrass herself in front of her family more than me.
7) Finding someone attractive for the first time and trying to work out whether they’ve genuinely developed into a snack or if you’re just trying to cuff.
8) Swapping the small talk staple of “Well hasn’t the weather been dreadful lately” to “Are you all ready for Christmas?” or, if the person’s a bit more than just an acquaintance, “is it just you and the family for Christmas this year?”.
9) Convincing myself that having yet another Lindt truffle ball will be fine because the New Year will definitely be the year I start taking the gym seriously.
10) Dad ejecting himself from the room by any means possible when Mum and I go for the high note at the end of All I Want For Christmas Is You.
11) Lifting my limit of ‘one Mince Pie per day’ to ‘no more than four…unless you have visitors in which having an extra one with them is fine’.
12) Watching Grease and realising just how problematic the plot and messaging really is.
13) Saturating the Christmas Pudding in enough brandy to knock out a small village, in the hope that when set alight it singes off your auntie’s eyebrows.
14) Mum yelling that nobody is helping her, then telling me I’m in the way when I dare to so much as pick up a peeler or chopping knife.
15) Having to go to bed before 10pm on Christmas Eve despite being 24 years old, with fresh Christmas sheets and new Christmas PJs.